Beyond Myself

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This dream was about me walking casually almost happily through a warzone filled with ‘exploding jack o’ lantern mines’ and firefighters/trucks standing all around panicking. There were also numerous other random people about. Some were terrified as explosions were happening, still as I walked by them or seemingly not fazed at all. I started to panic and climbed over what seemed to be random fences scattered amongst everything else. I remember jumping off a fence, intentionally walking over to a jack o’ lantern, kicking it and it explodes. I end up unharmed, without any debris on me whatsoever. Everyone gathers around me seeming to be staring in shock, almost horrified at me. And as a random person came running, screaming, and swinging at me with an indescribable object, I woke up. 

I don’t know what to think about that at all. Its just f**king strange O_o

Sometimes there are things that happen in life that you have no control over. When they are bad we question ourselves. When they are especially bad we wonder why we were put through this to begin with. Why would the world want us to suffer at all? To test our will, our patience, or strength? I don’t buy that. Literally from birth it seems that I was born to harbor a physical pain so unrelenting that to this day… I go insane. All through my life and even now I question the validity of why we are put through such things. The best answer I can come up with is none. There is no reason for it. Its one of the things that life does to us. We either get a sack full of money and a Solstice or a shovel to the face.

I used to believe that things happen for a reason. I believe now that things happen because they happen. If everything happened for a reason… I would have found my reason by now. Instead I just have to push through my pain… no matter how hard I find it to continue on this way. I have climbed up a hill to try and battle my physical demon so many times and I always feel myself tumbling down. Today I realized that maybe I should quit climbing that hill. I always fail every time I try to break free. If there is a reason for me being in the state I’m in… please tell me. 

I haven’t found a day where I wake up and feel like I’m never going to be without this weight on me. Today I just finally came to accept that. It hurts more than I care to describe.

What the heck is this guy doing on my toilet?! Oh thats right, he’s my personal “toilet seat warmer” now. Be jealous :)

When its warmed up enough… gimmie a shout. 

Sexiest car on this green earth! If any one buys me one in midnight blue, I will be forever indebted -_-

1. I’m a commitment phobe. That goes for ANY kind of commitment.
2. I’m terrified of aliens and tall trees. 
3. I’ve never owned an Apple product.
4. My feet are very rarely without socks.
5. I brush my hair for at least 10 minutes after its untangled.
6. I own a netbook that cost me a whole $180. It works better than my home computer ever did.
7. I once got 6 stitches between my left big toe and middle toe. I got my sock caught in an exercise bike.
8. One leg is 1/4 inch shorter than the other. I still to this day can’t remember which one.
9. Theres nothing I love more than a good hot bath.
10. I find glasses to be insanely sexy on a guy.
11. I hate to text but I do it anyways. I’d rather talk to someone.
12. People say that I have talent. I never believe them.
13. I haven’t been on a date with just me and someone I’ve dated that I haven’t paid for in about 2 years now.
14. I’m a die hard New England Patriots fan. Since 1999.
15. I LOVE to write. A great stress reliever :)

Take it from me… taking sides in a breakup is a dangerous option. I feel that I was backed into a corner though and forced to go one way, thus making me look stupid to the other person. I tried numerous times to contact the person I did not “side” with, in an effort to remain their friend… to no avail. Exhausted options aside, I gave up. They obviously didn’t want me as a friend because of my friendship to their heart-breaker. I wish some things never happened, but don’t we all wish that at some point?

I cared for them both as friends to the fullest extent of the word. They kept me afloat, sane, and happy. Hell, even discussed moving in at one point. Just when I thought things couldn’t get better in that friendship, things started to unravel. Quick. I think theres part of me that will always care for the both of them, no matter how they feel about me. I have had some choice words for some people only because certain things were “assumed”. If theres one thing I hate more than anything… its when people make assumptions.

I do tend to overreact, as people have told me. They say sometimes when they ask me a question it sounds like I’m a defendant in the Nuremberg Trials. I do go overboard sometimes… problem is I can never tell when.

Can I justify taking sides? Yes I can and I won’t go into why.

Time and time again I’ve realized that you come across certain people in your life you will never forget. You always remember the ones you loved the most and the ones who hurt you the most. Sometimes its for both reasons. People around us or lack thereof are the biggest determining factor of our emotional well being. We alone cannot sustain ourselves. We’re not built that way. Sorry Tom Hanks, a volleyball named Wilson doesn’t count. Not by a longshot.

Tom Hanks proved that befriending a painted volleyball is not anywhere near healthy or sane. But you can argue that the guy didn’t have a choice. It was either that or the dead guy. Question is, which one would you have chosen? Would you rather be completely alone forever? Or pretend someone/something is there with you sharing your emotions?

Final thought:

We all need somebody. Not necessarily just a romantic partner, but a friend, family member or even a pet. If every one of those things were gone, could you deal?

Words only lead me to the cracks in my disguise
My flesh a prison for the man behind these eyes
I sing the epitaph for an unnamed king
Carved in this tombstone all the lost pieces of me
How far is the distance between you and I?
How long before this silence dies?

Lost in a sea of sadness
Blind in this place of darkness
If I fall would you be there to raise me up?
Or will I be the forgotten one?

Lead me to the crossroad, I can find my way home
Devils on my back and angels in between
The scars and dreams that made me believe
Wheres the crime scene in remembrance to me
When our eyes meet do you know the man beneath
Walk the line between desperate and redeemed

Lost in a sea of sadness
Blind in this place of darkness
If I fall would you be there to raise me up?
Or will I be the forgotten one?

And my hymns are songs for the broken
(Through every word that was spoken)
(Do I carry hope for the whole place)

Lost in a sea of sadness
Blind in this place of darkness
If I fall would you be there to raise me up?
Or will I be the forgotten one?

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. 

-Edgar Allan Poe

Sometimes I wonder about my own prowess as a woman. It seems that all that girls have to do is be superficial and they can have anything and any guy they want. While this seems to be appealing to some, it is not for me.

Although I have fallen into the pattern of “putting my face on” whenever I go out or whatever because sadly enough, people treat you much better when you’re dolled up. Doesn’t matter that the person underneath is a good egg, no. Just how much eyeliner can you put on before being told you’re as pretty as Adam Lambert? And do I really want that compliment? Believe it or not, most do.

Don’t get me wrong… everyone likes a compliment on how good they look. 

“Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?!” <3